In Case You Didn't Get Enough...

Here are some more doctor visit funnies I thought of--mostly in the middle of the night. I actually had to get up and write them down. Sad, I know.

I'm here to see the pediatrician.
Here's lookin' at you, kid!

I'm here to see the doctor about my scoliosis.
Don't get so bent out of shape.

I'm here to see the pulmonologist.
Well, as I live and breathe, look who's here!

I'm here to see the cardiologist.
Go on in. We don't miss a beat around here.

I'm here to see the dentist.
I'm just filling in.

I'm here to see the plastic surgeon.
You seem a little nosey.

I'm here to see the periodontist.
Let's get to the root of this.

And if that's not bad enough, my Facebook friends joined in on the fun. Here are my sister's contributions:

I'm here to see the hearing-impaired specialist.
Please sign in.

I'm here to see the pharmacist.
He just drug in.

I'm here to see the neurosurgeon.
We'll let you cut ahead (get it? cut a head???)

Wish me luck... i'm going to try to get into the orthopedic surgeon.
Break a leg!

And some other appropriate ones...

I'm here to see the neurologist.
Ya think?

I'm here to see the endocrinologist.
Eh, don't sweat it.

I'm here to see the allergist
It's nothing to sneeze at.

I'm here to see the obstetrician
You're pushing it.

I'm here to see the ear, nose, and throat specialist.
'Snot good!

No more, I promise. My brain has moved on (finally) to other nonsensical lists. Thanks for playing, everyone!

Did You Hear The One About the Doctor Visit?

This post all started when my friend, who works in health care, mentioned that she went to visit the mammography department to see if they could squeeze her in. That made me giggle because I'm just immature like that, but the ball started rolling in my head that hasn't quit for the past few days. So here is the beginning of a new list of doctor's office funnies that I came up with.

I'm here for a mammogram.
I'll see if I can squeeze you in.

I'm here to see the dermatologist.
Well, let's not make a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm here to talk to the doctor about my obesity.
I'll see if I can fit you in.

I'm here for a breast exam.
I feel ya.

I'm here to see the chiropractor.
He's going to crack you up today.

I'm here to see the gynecologist.
He'll be here soon. Put your feet up and get comfortable.

I'm here for a rectal exam.
Bottom's up!

I'm here for a filling.
Have a seat. You know the drill.

I'm here for a colonoscopy.
You're so full of crap.

I'm here to see the psychiatrist.
There will be a wait. We've all been a little crazy today.

I'm here for a vision exam.
Let's see here...

I'm here to get my hearing checked.
Huh? (you didn't see that one coming, did you? hee hee)

Feel free to add more in your comments. Oh, and if you're over 14, um....sorry and thanks for indulging in my humor. :)

The Mommy Diet

I used to be skinny. No, that's not true. Why would I lie on my own blog? I DID used to be in shape, however. And I had a flat stomach. (Excuse me while I indulge in imaginary dreamy music and visions of swimsuits with no skirt attached and no puffiness above my jeans.) OK. I'm back.

Things started to change when I got married. While I was content with a salad for dinner, my husband would say things like, "That was really good. Now what's for supper?" So I learned to eat meat with every meal. We used to try to share food at restaurants to save on the cost, but I learned that I had to eat really fast in order to get any (or have them split the order before they brought it out). Then I started having children. It's not their fault I gained the mommy weight. While with my first I ate mostly organic and worked out every day, by the time the second one came along I started to slip. I ate mostly healthy with the addition of chocolate chip cookies or peanut butter and honey at night. Oh, and sometimes I drank whole milk because that's what my firstborn was drinking and well, it was yummy. I still walked some, but I was starting to get tired. When my second was 9 months old and I found out I was pregnant again, I went completely crazy indulged a little more. Trying to push a double stroller while pregnant was nearly impossible, so I gave up walking.

So that's the sad demise of my once young, once curvy-in-the-places-you-should-be physique. I'm working on trying to remember what normal girl portions are--you know, when you're not pregnant or breastfeeding or both. It's been quite some time since I had to think about that. And I'm trying to exercise more. I don't know which is the bigger challenge. As I've been trying to be more aware of my food intake, I have been amused at what I actually eat now that I'm a mom. Here is an example of a day on the Mommy Diet:

Breakfast:
cold coffee (because after microwaving it twice it just doesn't seem worth it any more).
soggy cereal (because inevitably someone needs help right AFTER I've poured the milk on my cereal)

Lunch:
pizza crusts (because none of the kids will eat them and I can't throw away the entire perimeter of a perfectly good pizza)
6 oz. yogurt (2 oz. left in Little Buddy's, 2 oz. left in Big Sissy's, and 2 oz. left in Little Sissy's)
mommy juice (Pepsi. I don't think this one needs explained.)

Supper:
meat, meat, meat (because my husband LOVES meat)
asparagus or broccoli stumps (because only the tops are easy to for little teeth to chew, leaving the stumps for the well-developed mommy teeth)
lukewarm water with nasty floaty things in it (because all the children love to eat my ice, and water is way more fun to drink out of a glass than a sippy cup)

So after being on the mommy diet for a while, I'm figuring out that this may be why I LOVE going out to eat. Everyone gets their own food, cooked how they like it, AND I don't have to prepare it, share it, de-spice it, or disguise it. Then when we're done I don't have to finish it, sweep it, clean it, wipe it, wash it, store it, or load it. That's a mommy diet breakthrough.

Can a Dead Mouse be Revived?

We have some neighbors from Pakistan who we met last summer on our family walks around the neighborhood. They're not actually even our neighbors. They live several streets over. But they have taken a liking to our family. I wrote a post after Halloween last year about how they sat on their porch waiting for us to come by with the kids in their costumes, and they were so nervous we wouldn't come. That was the last time we saw them. We haven't been walking as much this year for some reason, but the few times we've been out they haven't been.

Tonight we passed their house, and Big Sissy reminded us of their names like she always does when we pass their house. Because their names are unusual. And I always forget them. And she never forgets anything. We paused there, thought of them, and kept going. On our way back, however, there they were in the driveway--he in his wheelchair and her waving us down. They had been on their back deck, heard Little Buddy making baby noises as we passed, and they didn't want to miss us. She must have told us 15 times how they were so afraid we weren't coming any more and they wanted to give us something for Christmas but we never came (because we don't normally go for walks at Christmastime). She immediately went in and brought out chocolates and cookies for the kids. Our kids have never had so much sugar at one time. Ever. Especially right before bed. But it would have had to be really bad for me to say no to this woman. I wondered what it would be like to be childless, friendless, caring for a spouse in poor health--all in a strange country. I was saddened and humbled and challenged to be a better "neighbor" and friend to them.

I have to be honest, though. I feel a little like the dead mouse in John Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men," who was accidentally loved to death by a very large mentally handicapped man named Lennie. Or Big Sissy's fireflies, perhaps. I think I don't know what to do when people love me so intensely. Especially needy people.

I think I'm about to find out. This time we exchanged phone numbers so they can't lose us again. I'm praying that I can take a cue from them and love them well in exchange. So why do I feel like a dead mouse? God can revive even a dead mouse, right?

Not My Best Mommy Moment

This is embarrassing, so it's taken me several months to actually post it. But now I think it's a little funny and thought you might enjoy a laugh at my baby's expense. Don't worry, he's fine AND he walks all by himself now.

Naptime for Chloe

I'm telling you...this girl needs a pet--quick, before she loves all the fireflies to death.

Hey, You Tricked Me!

One of our workbooks we use for "school time" has a section called "try it." Today's activity was to think of two animals and combine their names to make a silly name. For example, a puppy and a hamster might be a pupster. Then you can draw your new silly animal.

Big Sissy chose a firefly (of course) and a duck.

OK, so we could have a duckerfly or a firef...hey, look. It's a duckerfly!

Kids' Love Languages

I think my children are too young to really figure out their love languages yet, but I think there's one that Gary Smalley forgot to mention: animals. We had a lovely trip to Indiana this weekend to visit Hubby's brother's family. He does fireworks for a hobby and created an amazing 20-minute fireworks display for us and some other friends. The kids got to spend lots of time with their cousins, jump on a trampoline, do sparklers, catch fireflies, chase chickens, and... hang out with SALLY MITTENS. Sally is the kitty who has captured the hearts of all of my children. I started to get my feelings hurt when Big Sissy said that she likes their house more than ours until I realized it was really about the kitty. Because words of affirmation is my love language and because I have people in my life who don't speak that language as fluently as I would like (*ahem*), I'm used to asking, "Do you love me?" It's not really about low self esteem as much as it is that I just like to hear it... a lot.

So I breathed a huge sigh of relief when Big Sissy said, "Mommy, I like you a little bit more than kittens." I'm not sure, but I think she was gushing. In her love language, that means she loves me a LOT. Hopefully she will still feel loved when I tell her over and over and over but still don't get her a kitten.

In My Lifetime

I know every generation thinks they have it easier than the ones before them. Sometimes I feel like Ma Ingalls stuck in the modern world. I don't have an iPod or a Blackberry, I don't understand the meaning of TiVo DVR, I don't twit or tweet or twitter or really know how to talk about it, and I am the worst texter in the world. But there are some things that have been invented in my lifetime that I feel like I couldn't live without. Here are a few of them:

1) Internet. I google EVERYTHING: how to make french toast, how to get scum off of my shower, best uses for vinegar...you name it. I've googled it.

2) Cell phones. I don't even answer my home phone anymore. I'm not even sure where it is most of the time. Sadly, I don't know anyone's phone number anymore because I'm used to just scrolling down to the name without even seeing the number.

3) Clorox wipes. Seriously, how did anyone wipe down their counters before--especially when they needed to roll out dough on them for cinnamon rolls? Or clean up accidents from the bathroom floor? I go through a huge container every couple of weeks.

4) Digital cameras. It would cost me hundreds of dollars to catch up on printing all the images stored on my computer right now. I'll do it eventually, but I love being able to take as many pictures as I want to without paying for the bad ones. I can let my kids learn how to use it, too, without wasting any film.

5) Pledge wipes. When it comes to cleaning, anything that makes it a little easier is my friend. I know it's not hard to spray and wipe in two steps, but why do that when you can just wipe in one swift motion? If it saves a few seconds every couple of months, I say go for it.

6) Disposable toilet scrubbers. See #5. If I don't have to stick my hand in the toilet to get it clean, I'll buy it.

So apparently as long as I can communicate with the outside world and keep my house reasonably clean without getting my hands too dirty I'm happy. I think that makes me a pretty low maintenance girl. But just so you know, if you text me it might be next week before I get back to you. I'd rather speed dial your number on my old mammoth cell phone. I'll get there eventually.

Oh Those Summer Nights

While the temperatures were dangerously high last week, all of our outdoor play happened in the evenings. Remember last year, when the girls devised a plan to scare away the bugs? Little Sissy is still content to keep her distance from all winged creatures, but Big Sissy has developed a new obsession.

While Little Buddy was trying to catch the mist from the water hose...

and splash in the puddles created by a makeshift slip-'n-slide,

and while Little Sissy was squealing with delight when the water hit her...

and trying to catch the water with her tongue,

Big Sissy was trying to catch fireflies on the house

and fireflies on the trees

to put into her special jar.

It is definitely an obsession. She gives them sticks and leaves, and puts water in there for them to drink. When she thinks they might be getting hungry or bored, she lets them go and catches some more. Her friend Jacob from MOPS came over the other night and helped her catch about 30. I think she may be in love. ♫ Summer days driftin' away to uh-oh those summer nights. ♫