A Little Bit More?

Well, if you insist, I'll talk a LITTLE bit more about my schooling dilemma. Because maybe youre not QUITE sick of hearing me waffle back and forth in my decision. Here's what I've realized (at least today). I genuinely desire to homeschool my children. I want to spend the time with them. I want to be involved in their education. I want it to be tailored to their interests and their learning style, and this is just not possible in a crowded public school environment.

But here's the selfish reality: I need a break. Not an every day, all day kind of break--just a couple of days a week kind of break. Maybe that's why I didn't feel the same angst when I signed Little Sissy up for preschool tonight. In fact, I gloated a little that I got there late and was the last person to get into the 2-mornings-a-week slot. I don't even know who I'm competing with, but it made me happy. So why am I not teary about sending her to preschool the same way I am about sending Big Sissy to kindergarten? Maybe it's the first child syndrome. We've always been connected in a very special way. Maybe it's her personality. She's an interesting combination of bright and timid, and I don't want her to get lost (that would never in a million years happen to Little Sissy because she wouldn't let it). Maybe it's just that I can't let go? I shared in an earlier post how I can't stand the thought of letting go of someone I love--not to death. Not even to kindergarten, for Pete's sake!

So I would have already signed Big Sissy up for kindergarten if it had not gotten snowed out. And maybe not for the right reasons, but for a reason that seems compelling at this very moment. I feel weary. Little Sissy had an accident in her bed yesterday, and I told her to just change her pants and scoot over. Seriously. Tonight I sat in the grocery store parking lot and read a magazine because I knew if I went home I wouldn't have time to read it. I just need a little breather. And she wants to do it, so why not try? But I have to admit I feel a little like a loser mom for sending her to school. I don't know why I feel like I have to save the world through every decision I make, but I feel guilty if I make a decision for less-than-noble reasons. And I feel like this is one of those times. It's not about sending her to a dark place to take the light of Jesus. It's not about introducing her to socialization and conflict resolution. It's kind of about wanting to read a magazine without feeling guilty or working out a little or cleaning my house a little. So there it is. Thank you for hearing my confession, and I won't talk about it again until someone has actually enrolled and started attending somewhere.