Leaving My Mark

Lately I've been faced--no pelted--with the reality of mortality. There have already been 3 funerals of people I care about this year, and of course hospice has said that Grandpa's will likely be one of the next. I don't handle it well. For all my silly ways and love of playing, I can't bear the thought of losing someone I love. I'm trying to make my heart match what I know (as Beth Moore would say, "make my reality match my theology"). So I know that he's ready to meet his maker, and I know that he will be welcomed by those he's loved and lost, and I know that I'll see him again in heaven someday. That doesn't stop me from bawling LIKE A BABY every time I'm alone--and to my embarrassment, often when I'm not alone.

There have been some huge answers to prayer already that I want to share. First, my dad was able to get home from his trans-world journey to support the family and have some more quality time with Grandpa. Second, the doctors have told us what a painful kind of cancer he has. That was part of the reasoning for giving him the chemo--to delay the inevitable pain. He's been off of the chemo for 2 weeks now, and so far he hasn't had to take his pain meds at all. That's a HUGE answer to prayer. A third thing that has been amazing that I didn't even pray for is the way our family has rallied together. There has never been a time that I have gone to visit that there wasn't someone else there--an aunt, an uncle, a cousin or two. I really feel like that's what's keeping Grandpa alive. I can't tell you how many times he has told me the story of going to visit an old man as a teenager. The man lived alone and had no one in this world. No one came to visit except Grandpa and his brother. He just can't relate to being alone and is so thankful. In a strange way, it makes me want to go have a bunch more kids. It really does take away all of my selfish motives for wanting to have a "manageable, affordable" size family.

The other day a friend at church was commenting on all the bags dotted around the church that have come from my business. She said, "Don't you feel like you're making your mark on this church?" I should have been proud that my business is going well or excited that people like the products I sell. Instead, I was a little embarrassed. Of course I want people to buy what I'm selling. But that's not truly the mark I want to leave on my church, my friends, or even strangers. I think about this every time I leave Grandpa's bedside. He's sick and bedfast, and yet he ALWAYS tells me when I'm there how much he loves me, how he appreciates me, encourages me to stay true to God and His Word, and even reminds me what a wonderful husband I have. That's the kind of mark I want to leave--not one of adorable fabrics and bags, but one of spiritual planting and watering, one of encouragement, and one of helping people feel a sense of belonging.