You Want Me to Put My Knees Where?

Apparently this is my year for getting out of my comfort zone. I have already mentioned that I need a lot of stimulation, plus I really need exercise, plus I'm a sucker for free stuff. So I heard about a free Piloga class (mix of Pilates and Yoga) at the church where I go to M.O.P.S., which is different from the church where Big Sissy goes to choir and I go to a Bible Study, which is different still from the church where I actually attend. I went expecting to feel like the awkard girl on a SNL skit. Some people view the world in photographs; others in paintings. I see the world as a series of satirical SNL skits. It's weird because I have never even been in a play, but I think I write them in my head. This one I was in. I was the girl who tripped over my mat before the class even got started and started a domino ripple of ladies in front of me when I tried to stand on one foot.

Luckily, none of this happened. I was late (of course), because I put Little Buddy to bed before I went and had to give multiple kisses and hugs to the girls before I could leave. Apparently I missed the part where she explained what in the world was going on. Because here's what I heard next (imagine an auctioneer's pace of instructions). Stretch up to the ceiling. Touch your abs to your back. The string is pulling your head up to the ceiling. Make a smiley face with your back while you exhale. Get your hips higher but don't you dare bend your knees. Crack the walnut with your butt. Keep breathing. Down dog. (This is a real thing) Jump to the back of your mat. Reach for the cheesecake. Your toes should be shaking. If you fall down, you went too far.

It felt like the day of my senior portrait, where the photographer had something specific in mind but I had to contort my body in very unnatural ways to get the look he was going for. But don't forget to smile and breathe and look natural. I felt like a total idiot, but I'm sore, so apparently I did something. The only bad thing is that my tailbone feels like perhaps I really did crack a few walnuts. Did I mention it's free? If anyone wants to join me next week, I'd love the company. You just won't be allowed to stand behind me and watch me pretend there's a thumbtack in my bellybutton and I am one with the floor.